


The problems with voice activated lifts

by Ferairia123



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Attempt at Accents, Attempt at Humor, Awkward Meetings, BT Tower, Britannia Angel, British Telecom Tower, Burnistoun skit reference, Deleted Scene : BT Tower incident, Dining at the Ritz (Good Omens), Dinner, F/M, Gen, Humor, London Open City Day, M/M, Mentions of Italian Desserts, No beta we saunter vaguely down like Crowley, Voice activated lifts, mentions of madame tracy, ruined dates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2019-11-15
Packaged: 2021-01-31 07:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21442339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferairia123/pseuds/Ferairia123
Summary: It was Open Day London and Aziraphale was excited to join this years at the BT Tower for the Italian desserts.Crowley hasn't been there in a while and thought it'll be a great idea for some fun.They thought Shadwell was their only problem as for some unfathomable reason, he was tailing them.However, the presence of an unexpected party had the demon and angel surprised.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Sergeant Shadwell/Madame Tracy (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	The problems with voice activated lifts

**Author's Note:**

> I had a really bad day. Trying not to dread Monday but if push come to shove...if it's not too much, your prayers are so much appreciated. I know my worries might be for nothing and I apologize for the heavy angst at the beginning of this note.
> 
> I stumbled on an animatic featuring Crowley and Hastur on the lift with the Burnistoun skits audio in the background. It was perfect. I haven't seen it in awhile so it brought really nice memories of Hetalia way back then. I couldn't find the one I saw on twitter back tho.
> 
> Edit : For anyone curious about the animatic, this is from YouTube  
https://youtu.be/C1CHwZoNM3U
> 
> All that brought this madness.

It’s been quite awhile since he was in the BT Tower. Roughly a decade or two really. Of course, his mission back then was fairly simple and he had to do was spill tea into the console.

It was quite a weird place for a restaurant, too, Crowley thought but Aziraphale was excited about it and found out the revolving restaurant this year is featuring Italian cuisine with, quoting Aziraphale, "sumptuous array of desserts."

“Right this way, dear.” Aziraphale chirped excitedly as he led him to the lifts.

“Yes, angel.” Crowley answered distractedly. 

Both of them were being tailed by Shadwell for one reason or another and they were keen on getting on to the lift without him.

As they reached the lift, they were about to miracle it close before anyone could get in but somehow a short human managed to chase it.

Both angel and demon were shocked. That was a rare thing to happen.

Crowley immediately miracle them so that they could stay hidden from sight and out of their minds.

Both immediately scrutinised him to find that the human is...or rather, there's something off about this one and they can't seem to pinpoint what.

They thought they would be spared from Shadwell but they were wrong.

"Aye lad! Hold da dooor!" Came Shadwell voice.

The human earlier, a short blonde with prominent eyebrows courteously held the door's entrance for him. 

"Thank ye." Shadwell gave a tip of his hat to him as he caught his breath.

The man, probably one of the ballot visitors for the year's Open House, gave a cordial nod. "Bah." Waving it off. "No 'arm doone." He replied as the door closes.

He went to the panel where there should be numbers but none were there.

Crowley looked up, Aziraphale following suit before the man did, too.

"Jesus Christ. This is a voice activated lift." He said in a thick Scottish accent.

"Voice activated?" Shadwell said with a scowl towards the circular attachment on the ceiling.

Crowley suddenly had a wicked smile.

"Oh, this just got better." Crowley said telepathically.

Aziraphale was alarmed. " Is this one of you not-missions?" Ever since the armagedonnot, both of them still do some 'not-missions' to keep their wits sharp but it was more out of habit.

"Well" He said with a non-chalant shrug. "Not directly at least. We're in for a show." He said gleefully. 

Aziraphale gave another grimace. "If this gets harmful, I'm miracling all of us out." He warned.

"We'll see. I can promise no one will be injured." He assured the guilty angel. "But tis a chance not be missed."

The lift just finished declaring that it is a voice activated elevator.

"Young ones these days wants it all easy. What's wrong with buttons?" Shadwell complained.

The blond shook his head. "Got me." He replied. Taking a deep breath he calmed himself. "Might as well get it started." He said more to himself than not. "Thirty four." He said

"I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?" Said a benign recording.

He sighed. “I thought it was joke when they said that the technology can’t pick up Scottish accents.”

“What kind of idjit would take that? Is he racist?!” Shadwell said brusquely. "Thirty four!" Shadwell shouted this time.

The recording repeated again.

Clearing his throat, the blond tried again. “Thirty four.” He said in perfect received pronunciation before Crowley miracle the mic to not understand the language.

“I’m sorry. Could you please repeat that?” Came the benign recording again.

“What?!” The blond shouted back.

Shadwell snickered. “The Queen English can't get to it either.” He cleared his throat again. “Thirty four.” He asked in a rhyming slang.

“Please speak slowly and clearly.” Came the benign voice.

This time the blond was ready. He repeatedly said 34 with a small pause in between in a variety of accents that even had Aziraphale gawking while Crowley was taken aback.

There was West Country, Welsh, Scouse, Brummie, Muncunian, Geordie, American and a few more that seemed to sound the same?

“I’m sorry but could you please repeat that?” came the benign recording again.

“Well, what language do you even understand, you chunk of metal?!” The blond said in frustration.

“Now, now. No need to get your knicker twisted.” Shadwell placated. “Got to say lad, that’s impressive.”

“Been moving a lot when I was a child.” He explained, back to his Scottish accent with a shrug. “Could say ma heart is all over the place but never stronger in Scotland!” He declared proudly.

“Shadwell.” Shadwell offered an open hand with a proud smile.

"Kirkland.” Kirkland answered back. “Neway, ya think it’s broken?”

“Since it’s not the accent, let me try something.” Shadwell declared. “Trithead ’s a ceithir.” He spoke in Scottish Gaelic.

“Please speak slowly and clearly.” Came the benign voice.

Both of them groused at the answer.

“Whoever installed it is a total arse!” He cursed.

Suddenly, Kirkland caught Crowley and Aziraphale’s eyes before he snapped his fingers.

“Maybe it can’t hear us?” He said in realisation.

“You mean you need to get closer?” Shadwell stated.

“Aye.” Both of them stared at the circular receiver. “Or we can both shout at it?” Kirkland said with a confused grimace.

Unfortunately, both of them were too short. Kirkland can’t even reach it with his arms outstretch.

“Hell in a basket, I thought he saw us.” Crowley said in relief.

“I, as well.” Aziraphale echo his thoughts.

“Thirty four!” They both yelled.

“Oh my, that is loud.” Aziraphale said as he clamped his hands over his ears.

“This is a voice activated elevator. Please state which floor do you want to go to in a clear and calm manner.” The benign recording said.

“Calm?” Kirkland said as his face when blank. “Calm. Calm she said. Why would she telling people to stay calm?” He caught their eyes again but it was poorly disguised as a sweep for the room. “I’m getting late.” He said despairingly.

Crowley smirked.

Aziraphale saw these and was about to abort all of it.

“Just a bit more, angel.” Crowley tried to convince him.

“Oh, you have a meeting?” Shadwell surmised from his smart suit.

“No, but it would’ve been better if it was. Need a ballot to go eat up here, you see.” Kirkland said throwing a glance over their place. “Not that it’s urgent but was planning on catching the sights.”

“Sights? Over London?”

“Aye.” He said with a nostalgic smile. “Some lads said it’s better than the Eye. Mind you, winning the ballot was the mightiest part.”

Shadwell, nodded sympathetically, his eyes closing as he did. 

Suddenly there was shift.

Aziraphale quickly shielded Crowley with his wings and body when there was an angelic flash. Once it was done, both of them turned to face the source.

“My lord.” Kirkland regarded in a white toga and wings. “Apologies but I wish to proceed to the top level for my assignment.” He spoke in crisp Estuary English this time. Shadwell was frozen where he was.

"Britannia?” Aziraphale said happily before giving a flourished bow to which Kirkland responded with one, as well. “It’s been a while.”

“Same to you, Aziraphale. Terribly sorry, I can’t stay and chat more. Need to get up there and all.” He explained.

Crowley was bewildered to say the least and was starting to feel weary...and threatened.

“It’s perfectly understandable. May the Lord grant us a friendlier and longer talk one day. Cheerio, Kirkland.” He bade goodbye as he grabbed on Crowley.

Kirkland chuckled. “Goodbye, Mr. Fell.”

At that, Kirkland snapped his fingers and everything went back to normal in a blink of an eye.

Suddenly the lift door opened.

Both Kirkland and Shadwell stared at it before bolting out.

“Now that’s a relief.” Shadwell said.

“Neways, let’s just get help and get up there. I owe ye a drink.” Kirkland declared as the lift door closed.

Unnoticed by a miracle, Crowley and Aziraphale had escaped with them.

As Shadwell and Kirkland went to the receptionist, Aziraphale and Crowley went out.

“Let’s go the Ritz, shall we?” Aziraphale offered with a weak laugh.

“Anywhere as long as there’s no colleagues of yours.” He said sulkily.

It was an alarming event that had both angel and demon on their toes.

“Definitely. That was certainly awkward and one I don’t want to make a repeat of.” Aziraphale agreed as they both got back into the car. “What were you expecting?” He asked curiously.

Crowley paused thoughtfully with the ignition as before answering the angel. “How much telly have you watched?” He asked as the car revved to life.

“Not much?” Aziraphale offered as he gripped the seat and hold for dear life…or for his corporation. “Crowley please slow down.”

Crowley laughed. “Oh, you’re missing lots!” He declared before going on about a comedy sketch with two Scotsmen who got stuck into a lift and couldn’t get out.

Of course, then proceeded to explain several more pop culture reference and progress of voice recognition technology.

They were already passed their meal and enjoying their drinks.

"What do you think of it, the voice activated lift?"

The angel gave a knowing grimace. "I should have known you have something to do with it."

Crowley gave a smug shrug. "The ultimate sloth invention. Why wouldn't I? "

-o-

Shadwell was on his way home, lugging a giant bag of souvenirs. Madam Tracy might find these interesting. Or else, she just give them away to her friends.

Kirkland was a good man and had given him the souvenirs as they parted ways.

The whisky, the one Kirkland was there to promote was excellent.

At that, he suddenly stopped in his tracks. He was tailing Mr. Fell in hopes of finding out the shop he buys his drinks from. He had served some particular nice ones when they had visited him.

Now he was torn between tailing Mr. Fell like a spy for his drink store or going to the Kirkland's shop. There's still time before their anniversary anyway.

Deciding he would think of it tomorrow, he resumed his walk.

-o-

Britannia angel finally completed his assignment and was submitting a report to them.

"Ah, Britannia. Heaven is pleased to inform your performance is excellent." The angel told him with a smile. "Kindly proceed to the other assignments."

"Thank you kindly." Britannia responded.

Once he returned back to Earth in Kirkland's body, he huffed. 

It was still dark when he 'woke up' but he felt like he should give the room a sweep.

Once done, he returned to lie back down. 

He had been at this for ages and ages. It was a simple task, protection duty. The only close calls he had was when a corrupted politician was around but other than that, it's...underwhelming.

He then remembers the demon Aziraphale had with him. Thank God he didn't need to do battle with one when he was there. It would have been a hard job to fight and keep the tower safe and steady.

With that, he lay dormant in Kirkland until his next assignment. Letting Kirkland back up, he snored away in his sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> For the Hetalians out there, I pictured Arthur Kirkland or England to be well versed in all the dialects and my headcanon dictates that he has a legit angel called Britannia who uses his form but only comes down for assignments. It is actually a separate identity, thus a colleague of Aziraphale. At least, in this premise of the fic.
> 
> It's already midnight here. If there's corrections or whatnot, I'll edit it later.


End file.
